Steve Borloz’ personal journey through addiction and recovery gave him a deep understanding of compassion’s transformative power. A passionate Kundalini Yoga Instructor, he taught yoga with
South Africa’s Prison Freedom Project and co-developed a mindfulness-based routine for a local Addiction Treatment Centre. Steve is a Compassionate Inquiry® Facilitator and Circle Leader committed to supporting others in recognizing their own gifts and exploring new paths to healing.
This post references a short excerpt of Steve’s story of transformation and healing through Compassionate InquiryⓇ. Listen to his full interview on The Gifts of Trauma Podcast.
In 2010, I made a lot of life changes. I ended a marriage. I moved to a new country. I took a new job. But still, I was not happy.
After moving to South Africa I woke up each day to the most beautiful view of Table Mountain, but I couldn’t enjoy it. I took a sabbatical from work, and when it ended, returned with a new mindset. But it didn’t last, as my work in marketing revolved around my ability to convince people that they needed what they really didn’t need. Before long, this work began to hollow out my soul. Part of me wasn’t aligned with who I was becoming, and that one element sparked my internal change. So I chose to release those identities; the business cards, the money… and committed to finding out what my authentic self wanted.
The first part of my story focuses on my job, sponsoring extreme sports. At a very young age, I was drawn to risk taking. My nervous system was happiest when I was in hyper-arousal. I only felt alive when I was in danger. In extreme sports, people knowingly risk their lives, wing-suit flying, base jumping off buildings, antennas, cliffs… And some die.
Supporting and colluding with these people, feeding their adrenaline addictions, and my own, getting high, it was my life. But when I witnessed people getting hurt and killed, my soul began to suffer.
At 16, I discovered alcohol and sex. I used porn images to boost my adrenaline. This is the second part of my story. Watching porn regulated my nervous system. I felt alive. I thought that every man watched porn many times each day, but nobody would talk about it, so I sensed it caused them some shame. Additionally, porn had a huge impact on how I related to others and engaged in intimacy, as there is no sensuality in that world. I realized my porn use was a coping mechanism for my perception of myself as overly sexual, a bit too much, a bit too intense. At parties, people would ask me if I had cocaine. I’ve never used cocaine in my life, but my way of being was so intense, it distorted how people saw me.
High levels of intensity and enthusiasm are expected in an extreme sports marketer. Some may have seen it as a passion, but Gabor Maté offered another perspective, and I too see this difference. Being passionate doesn’t have the same taste as being compulsive, of almost not being able to stop. Gabor also explored compassion versus passion. In compassion, there’s connection, to self or to another. Passion lacks that connection. Its inner experience is entirely alone and often lonely, even when surrounded by people. I remember attending a concert and feeling so utterly alone that I had to leave. Everyone around me was connecting, but I couldn’t connect, not to myself, not to anyone else.
Seeing these behaviors as addictions initiated a radical life change that supported my healing. I walked away from my job, its success, identity, and comforts. I did this step by step, and at times, I back- tracked. For example, I quit one marketing job, but when I got scared about not being financially self-sufficient, I took another. My plan to stay at that job for 1 year became 3 years. It didn’t unfold as I expected, however in 2016, I took the last step. It wasn’t easy. I had to balance trusting the unknown with noticing who was actively supporting me, or willing to do so.
When I started my journey, Compassionate Inquiry® didn’t exist. So I joined another program, Beyond Addiction, led by Sat Dharam Kaur. In this program, Gabor spoke on self inquiry. My initial intention was to join Beyond Addiction and facilitate that process, as it was close to my heart. But as I felt into Compassionate Inquiry®, it spoke to me even more powerfully. Joining the training opened new doors.
I was scared about making it work financially, and spoke of this in my men’s group. They suggested I start coaching within a company. I was game. And when I brought in Compassionate Inquiry®, it not only worked for the people I served, it also fed and nurtured my soul.
Looking back, I recognize that my history of risk taking and adrenaline helped me ‘take the leap’ from my financially rewarding (but soul destroying) career into the unknown. The adventurous part of me was present when I decided to leave. And my connection with the men in my men’s group took me from feeling utterly alone and disengaged into an environment of supportive connection.
It’s ironic, because as a child, I was scared of male energy. A gift from my sex and love addiction was the recommendation to socialize with men. To my delight, I connected with other sensitive men which was so enlightening for me. For as Gabor says, there’s no addict who’s not hypersensitive, otherwise they wouldn’t be addicted…
Curiosity is something I’ve always carried within me. What I lacked was self compassion. I call it ‘softening toward myself.’ because I’ve been hard on myself, struggled to accept parts of me. This was a huge transformation, and it’s ongoing. I can still be too hard on myself. Has a boy or a man ever been told, “Go softer?” It doesn’t happen.
As I became more aware and softer with myself, I started catching myself, not punishing myself as I used to. Oddly, while it’s really, really, really uncomfortable, it’s not hard. Learning to soften into that discomfort has been key for me.
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The Gifts of Trauma is a weekly podcast that features personal stories of trauma, healing, transformation, and the gifts revealed on the path to authenticity. Listen to the interview, and if you like it, please subscribe and share.
